How to recognize + let go of self consciousness while running a business
As a teen, I always felt like I needed to prove myself.
I didn’t see myself. I didn’t believe in myself. I felt safest being useful, hypervigilant & stoic.
I was confused and self conscious with a need to fit in and compare myself with others.
Can you relate??
All of my clients eventually crack into their inner teenager at some point.
Why?
Because it's a super difficult age where everyone is self conscious but pretends not to be.
Because most teens don't know that adolescence is awkward and uncomfortable.
And because we all end up storing this experience in our nervous system because we most likely didn't receive guidance ushering us through it .
Or weren't given the skills and understanding on how to navigate it.
Did you know the teenage brain doesn’t have a fully formed complex thinking capability to step back from intense emotions?
In addition to the normal discomfort that came along with being a teenager, I actually wasn’t being seen. Many of us aren't.
I didn't have anyone to talk to about my feelings.
My brain was processing things developmentally at a new level and I didn't know how to interpret all the information (boys, self doubt, shame, depression, family expectations, progressive family dysfunction).
And I wasn't supposed to know how!
I would be nominated for the gifted & talented program, win awards, have boys asking me out and because what was on the INSIDE wasn’t being seen, I couldn't absorb any of it.
I became a shell filled with worry, overthinking, shame and doubt. It didn’t matter how many successes I had or how things might have looked on the outside, it wasn’t possible for me to see myself clearly.
The doubt & shame were like big funhouse tinted mirrors that distorted my entire world. And yet, simultaneously, they kept telling me it was my fault.
You might be wondering...
What does my teenage self have to do with showing up and being confident in business?
It actually has EVERYTHING to do with it.
I carried these ways of thinking for decades and found that these same patterns showed up in my jobs, in my relationships and definitely prevented me from getting visible earlier.
Long after my teenage years, I still felt like that same young girl who kept trying to show up, yet felt unfulfilled, stuck and trapped.
"What if I try this out and no one cares or wants to participate in my courses and retreats?"
"What if I keep spending money on trainings and I still get nowhere? "
"What if I get my hopes up again? There's probably no point because I'm just going to be disappointed"
"I'm just not cut out for this."
"I'm never going to figure this out."
The thoughts felt like an engine constantly running and sputtering beneath the surface.
The questions and the worries went on and on. I was caught in a self doubt cycle that I didn't know how to stop.
How do I stop feeling this way?
Why am I still thinking about that conversation?
How can I possibly share that?
What would it be like if I could just feel comfortable in my own skin?
Of course, then I’d burn out and have an emotional hangover of exhaustion, because I'd run out of fuel due to high intensity obsessive thought exertion and there was no adrenaline left to keep my body going.
It wasn't until:
I learned how to take care of her, how to release those old rules and fake lies about needing to hide that things started to shift.
I found a mentor who got me, who saw me, when no one else could see me and showed me the way to heal and the freedom to be myself.
I was given a clear step by step path to follow and the support to take me through the spiral of healing I would revisit continuously.
Take a moment to think back to your teenage years . . .
What are some common emotions and themes you experience during that time?
Did you ever have anyone to talk to about your feelings?
If you did, were there certain topics that were left unspoken?
Do you notice any similarities to what you didn’t get to talk about when you were growing up and how you think about yourself today?
Give it a thought or a quick journaling and see what you come up with!
xo Jen
P.S.
The story above is a culmination of why I’ve created The Confident CEO Mastery Group Coaching Program.
It’s a 4 week group coaching experience designed to help creative, talented, heart-centered women CEO’s, just like you, go from feeling self doubt + imposter syndrome to being the confident, successful bosses of their dream businesses, while experiencing massive fulfillment & freedom in their everyday lives.
In short, I want to support you in the ways that have transformed my life so you can go from self doubt to confident, starting now. Take a peek and just hit reply and leave a comment and let me know if you have any questions :)
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What To Do When You're Feeling Stuck In the Same Patterns
This rich and metaphorical poem is one of my favorites over the years. Take a peek and let me know what you think!
Autobiography in 5 Chapters, A Poem by Portia Nelson
Chapter One.
I walk down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It still takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two.
I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place! But it isn’t my fault and it still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three.
I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It’s a habit!My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter Four.
I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter Five.
I walk down a different street.
There was an interesting commentary on Elephant Journal by Barbara Becker where she states that her Meditation Teacher explains to her that there is a Chapter 6.
I find this to be really interesting because it has been almost 8 years since I originally read this poem.
After my own personal journey and witnessing it among clients, this sixth chapter, according to Becker and her teacher, is that once we head down the new road, there is another hole, and we fall in again.
I have to admit at first glance reading this I didn't really want to hear it. I mean, who wants to keep falling into holes? It's exhausting right?
I want to get to the road where there are no holes. Where the streets are paved with gold like my Uncle would say.
And yet, as I continue on my own path I keep seeing that yes, there are always some more holes.
It doesn't mean I don't get better at climbing out .And I find that there happens to be a lot more time spent on certain roads now without the holes.
But inevitably, there will be ups and downs. It's not about having those downs that means we have done something wrong.
It's how can we be more compassionate to ourselves, more curious and get more information about what's happened and how we can apply it (gently) to what comes next.
Image by Sherry Riter of www.theredheadriter.com
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