The Way out of Numbness into Feeling Alive!

I've been thinking a lot about how to bring more peace, joy and contentment into my life. Learning how to experience more fulfillment and connection to others too. 

These are helpful thoughts to have right? 

And I keep finding that connecting to myself FIRST is key.  Also, finding ways to express myself, because this confidence in self expression IS what makes me feel alive. 

This is not just creative expression, though that is super important for me! It is expressing my thoughts, feelings, desires...the good, the bad, the ugly. 

For trying to hold onto the good without walking through the pain leads us into Spiritual bypass land, another detour into numbness that can often feel ungrounded, flighty, and fleeting . 

For many, many years of my life I felt numb, disconnected and empty inside. Of course you wouldn't know it on the outside. I appeared to be high functioning, always with a smile on and successful. 

Yet something felt terribly wrong. Not just something, many things actually. And I was literally dying inside. Like a flower wilted from lack of water and sunlight. 

My joy was extinguished and what would appear like happiness would actually be excitement. This would send me on a roller coaster, crashing into disappointment, hopelessness, fear and shame when I would come down from that adrenaline. 

Maybe you can relate to some or even all of this? 

I didn't know what was "wrong" with me. I kept trying to figure it out. I kept trying to fix it on the outside. 

Little did I know I was being led to discovering what was ailing me, but it felt like it took forever!

I begun to find out there was actually nothing wrong with me. Everything happening inside of me and the lack of feeling was just because I had never expressed my feelings before. I had kept them stuffed down for years. 

And because of this my light had been snuffed out. 

Or atleast it appeared to be.

I believe and have experienced that our light is never truly gone. It is just covered by layers (or parts) that served to protect us through unhealed loss and intense emotions. 

What was I experiencing? It couldn't have come out of nowhere. And it didn't. But that's a story (many stories) for another time.

However, what I now know is twhat I was experiencing and what I still experience is Complicated PTSD. 

I will continue to share more about this as time goes on. Because I am finding that I must honor my Self, my story and my healing journey in all areas of my life. 

In addition, my main takeaway for today is that NO MATTER where you are at, what you are FEELING, and what you have been through, YOUR LIGHT is inside you right now. 

And with willingness, patience, and a small sliver of an opening to ask for help, you will find that light will keep shining brighter. 

It's not going to be easy despite the fact that the steps are simple.

Yet is is fully possible, 100% possible...to come alive.
To reignite yourself.
To unleash the fire and passion that makes you UNIQUE and who you are. 

If I can experience it, there is no doubt in my mind, that it is possible for you too. 

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Slow Down in Forward Fold

I remember when I started yoga, I was still living from my perfectionist, do gooder, all or nothing protective parts. I wasn't even aware of these parts (which I have to say, was quite nice at the time for as most of us know on this journey, ignorance in the short term is bliss).

My first yoga class was at 18 and through my 20's I would practice off and on. Gentle, hatha, ashtanga, yin, flow. I'd take two classes in a row. Feel blissed out afterwards, then check out at home..because that was what I did.

I'd take a yin class, love the way my muscles felt, but the chatter in my brain was so loud and critical and judgmental I eventually stopped going because I couldn't stand the teacher any more.

At the time, I felt like he chatted so much, I couldn't find stillness, I felt overstimulated. I didn't realize at the time his chattiness was competing with my own minds commentary. 

So where does a forward fold come in? I have to smile when I think about how much I get out of ONE POSE now.

My previous self would have called me lazy, weak, unmotivated. Luckily, I don't listen to that voice nearly as much anymore. Doing ONE POSE is so completely nourishing, such a great way to listen to the conversation within our bodies between the muscles, emotions, and thoughts. And does it help release!

If you can do an entire sun salutation and stay connected and release, that is wonderful. Keep doing that which feels good. But many of us are on a different stage of the process and we have to start slow to stay connected.

Over time, the nerve connections will start to gel and the mind body will be more integrated and you can "do more" (to satisfy that achieving brain:).

That is if you want to. No presh.  But remember, less is more as my Restorative Yoga Teacher always would repeat. There is so much MORE in this moment. So savor it and listen to it for all it's worth.

Feel into the pose completely.

Feel every breath, texture, fiber, and sway of energy and let yourself be immersed in it. This is how we heal. Through releasing as we are connected to the compassionate witness within. This is the true surrender.

Which is why I chose Forward Fold. What's more surrendering than a pose that can be done almost anywhere, by almost anyone, at any given time. What's more releasing than letting whatever you don't want anymore roll off your back, giving it up and sending it off into the earth?

To Forward Fold this Way or To Forward Fold that Way- That is the Only Question :)

Some places to practice!

In a Chair:

At a Desk

Sitting on the floor or on a bolster or blanket

Standing

Enjoy!!