Resting in the Process
So here we are where spring has sprung in the Northeast States.
There's the usual crispness in the air around this time of year and the first signs of flowers peaking through the soil.
Flowers always are fascinating to me because right under the surface there is a whole magical world that we cannot see.
The flower is growing from a seed and yet if we dig it up to watch every moment of this process, it will actually interfere with the flower's growth.
A great metaphor for life isn't it?
Where in our lives do we constantly dig, dig, dig when we have already done all the planting/watering/sunlight giving and all that is left is to wait?
Sometimes, as we await in transition, we want things to go faster than they are going.
Maybe if they do, we think, I don't have to sit with my fears that what I want is not going to happen, or something bad will erupt instead of beautifully bloom.
We can practice living life from a different perspective.
The Great Round is a model using the circular nature of life and the symbol of the mandalas to interpret and understand the different phases we go in and out of.
The first stage in The Great Round is The Void.
It validates life cycles and rhythms so we can trust that while ebb, flow and change happen, there are themes to these stages and that our waiting, or our action, will bear fruits or in this case, flowers.
The Void is that place, like the womb, like a seed planted in the fertile earth, that is quiet, full of rest, stillness and surrender.
Often times we find that we have fear of the Void, this emptiness, this spaciousness.
Maybe our womb wasn't so secure.
Maybe there was no room for space or rest in our lives because the underlying message was, "it's not okay to do nothing."
Maybe we've felt so alone that being in the stillness is terrifying and that is why we want to bolt right out of it.
The Void is a wonderful place to explore and one that is my favorite to paint. It is simple. A circle. A splotch. A whoosh of mark or line.
In it's simplicity a mandala created in the void could look like a seed. And because of its simple nature, it is a great place to acknowledge when we feel a lack of energy or a great need for sleep.
Instead of judging it this time, why not embrace that you are in the womb of the Void?
That this is a necessary part of your process and you can rest here, trusting that you will move into the next stage, and even more likely when you don't force yourself out of this one.
Like a seed sprouting its roots into the deep soil.
The layers of its form unfolding until the strength of its growth becomes greater than the ground can contain it.
We can be like the seed in the void of the unknown, trusting that something is brewing under there and we will eventually see those first sprouts and eventual blossoms.
Do you want to fine tune your Inner Radar with crystal clear clarity for Love, Wealth + Freedom? My Free Start Up Guide Includes my 5 Star Process To Become the Intuitive Rockstar of your #5StarLife! This process transformed my life and is the foundation of everything I do in my life & biz! ⭐️🙌🏼👯♀️
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How I Realized I Was Painting Parts of Me
It's been a healing time and a blessing to share my art these days.
I've been fortunate enough to be able to share these therapeutic art practices with clients as well, many of whom were skeptical at first to even go to this nonverbal place and now they are creating pictures every week!
There is a large epidemic of creative wounding in our culture so when we are asked to draw, paint, or create, there may be parts of us that want to shut down. Interestingly, art and creativity can be the very thing that help us to open up more!
I have been creating several bodies of work, one of which has hundreds of little paintings that I just felt compelled to keep creating...and I still do.
The above mandalas (Mandala means Sacred Circle in sanskrit) are just some of the many circular forms I have been captivated by for over the past 5 months. I see each mandala as a mini world. Sometimes they look like moons or planets.
But what stands out to me the most is their organic nature. How when I use the inks and water, they each become unique and expressive. How each image has so much movement even though they are in two dimensional form.
I realized something more deep and meaningful was going on here after laying out all the pieces. They are like a gigantic tapestry of my life and all of the experience I have had to heal from.
After really sitting with the feelings of familiarity, adoration, fascination, and attraction to these little minis, I have realized that they are mini me's.
Each one represents a wound I have experienced. When each wound comes through artistically to be expressed, the finished piece often represents their healing. Sometimes the very act of painting them finalizes the Healing. Some show that they are still in the healing process.
Once I shared with my boyfriend about the meaning behind these paintings, he told me he became sad because he was visualizing my child self looking like a slice of swiss cheese.
All these holes where the daggers that had poked and prodded and penetrated my vulnerable child skin. I feel emotional too when I contemplate this work, a deep grief when I think back through my journey.
However, simultaneously, now I feel deep gratitude. Gratitude that I can feel. Gratitude that I have climbed mountains and hurdles that I never thought I would.
Gratitude that healing is possible.
Gratitude that I went from a hole to a box to a place unknown, until I finally could see a horizon line. Many times over.
That now I am not only seeing a horizon line...I am being offered long stretches and moments to sit back and bask in the sunrise.
That's what's so powerful about the mandala. The circular nature just breathes movement, the cycle of life, and connection.
Which is also similar to the model of Internal Family Systems which I use that says we each have True Self and we each have parts that have become disconnected from our Self.
When we can give these parts attention, they start orbiting harmoniously within our internal system receiving the love of our Inner True Self (the bindu/center point) of our being.
Just like the celestial bodies that inhabit our universe, these paintings portray the parts of me that exist in my personal universe, my internal system and each one has own it's image, thoughts, and experiences.
If you would like to get to know your parts better, I am releasing a new Expressive Art Journaling course at the end of this month that will specifically address the topic of releasing relationship wounds.
The beginning of a new year is a great time to deepen our mindfulness and compassion of any past hurts and resentments we may be holding onto (family, romantic, work, friendship etc.)
Writing and simple art practices will be used to deepen the release by connecting mind with body. Beginners and people who deem themselves are "non-artists" are encouraged to join*!
(*Not only do I think everyone has a creator within, these are not technical practices. They are journaling practices to help assist you with witnessing the parts of yourself that need attention.)
Click here for the free signup!
Some examples of the Many Parts of Me
Lot's of Love, Jen
P.S. Do you want to fine tune your Inner Radar with crystal clear clarity for Love, Wealth + Freedom? My Free Start Up Guide Includes my 5 Star Process To Become the Intuitive Rockstar of your #5StarLife! This process transformed my life and is the foundation of everything I do in my life & biz! ⭐️🙌🏼👯♀️
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Warriorless Kin -A Poem
The hardest thing I've ever had to do
Is fight the unmanageable plight of my birth in this life
Relentlessly pushing on through a life turned inside out.
The only safety was the dark and damp, tongue-tied recesses of my mind.
Excruciating was the drowning and the frozen and the faceless,
Yet, I've learned that was the better alternative,
better than the truth of being a child without protection.
Warriorless kin
Sent off into the desert alone without instruction
Having dived into the abyss
Before knowing what rising out of loss is
A warrior child is resiliency
What's Truly Yours Can Never Leave You
So I said I'd have a story regarding these watercolors that I posted a few pics back on my Instagram feed. They are from a very long time ago. I received them when I was a child, most likely early 90's, but they definitely seem older than that which makes them even cooler..retro!
They were a part of a Christmas gift from a stranger, as were often many of our gifts because the local church would organize gift giving for needy families. I always received art supplies as gifts because I was always creating as a child. It's where I didn't think. I could just be. I remember feeling really embarrassed and feeling a lot of shame receiving these gifts. I always felt different and like I was living this secret life in a wealthy and middle class town.
I realize now that this experience was not only something that I was powerless over, but that the shame was there because I felt there was something wrong with me and I felt pitied and pitied myself. I put these watercolors away, only from time to time seeing them as I moved and reorganized art supplies over the years.
Recently, I've had a revival and truly feel whole as I embrace myself as the artist, creator, and maker that I truly am which gives me so much joy. I'm so grateful that I've held onto them because now I have this meaningful story behind them.I also see that what is my true essence can never be forgotten. It just wasn't the right time. now that I've unburdened many layers of pain, my inner child and inner artist have been awakened.
I wish I saved the note that came with them but the memory will be forever embedded in my mind. It was very kind. It was handwritten and said they were used by a real artist at and now they were being passed down to me.
P.S. Do you want to fine tune your Inner Radar with crystal clear clarity for Love, Wealth + Freedom? My Free Start Up Guide Includes my 5 Star Process To Become the Intuitive Rockstar of your #5StarLife! This process transformed my life and is the foundation of everything I do in my life & biz! ⭐️🙌🏼👯♀️
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When to Slow Down in Your Yoga Practice
This may seem like a pretty basic idea in yoga. If yoga is to unify the mind and body, then we have to slow down enough to actually pay attention to the mind AND body.
However, slowing down happens in stages. And there are many routes to help us get there (well...here) as well as reasons for it.
In this post I'm discussing slowing down specifically in relation to releasing, trauma, longstanding tension, and chronic pain in the body because it's something that I personally have been experiencing at a high intensity over these last 18 months or so.
First and foremost, be kind to yourself and remember that slowing down is a journey. We can't force it. The very nature of slowing down and becoming more aware of tension in the body is to let go of the timing, shoulds, and outcome based intentions for a practice which are the clamping mechanisms that assisted in building up the tension in the first place.
This process is literally about being with yourself in the depth of each moment, the sensation, the emotional awareness, the breath and each of our journeys is a string of these moments. The more presence and Self Energy we bring to each moment's experience, the greater the potential healing (release of tension).
Now when it comes to trauma (pretty much any painful experience that your brain could not process at the time of the trigger) the pain gets stored in the tissues, in the nervous system and in the brain and remains frozen there until we reprocess it. Trauma is a result of the freeze process because if we could run or fight we would have an actually acted out the fear in real time.
The nature of trauma is that we didn't have the support/skills/developmental capacity/awareness/ability to feel our feelings and nurture ourselves through the traumatic event. So we hold it in. We freeze, stuff the feelings, and bear down, gripping into the muscles as our foundation.
If yoga is about opening up to what is, about integration of mind, body, spirit, heart, and space than we have to unlearn the brain stems automatic survival mechanism to grip and bear down, our way to survive the physical world, and instead find a foundation in our conscious and creative True Self which we can now cultivate by choice
I'll keep mentioning, this takes time! Especially for people who have suffered A LOT, have PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) a longstanding history of abuse, a dysfunctional childhood, addiction, and a long term stuffing of feelings.
I had my first progressive muscle relaxation experience in first grade from an amazing teacher, my next experience with relaxation in a gym high school class, and then took my first yoga class in college around 18. I'm 34 now. It's taken me 16 years to truly listen to my body in yoga.
After my yoga teacher training was when I really felt all the old tension and how blocked I was physically. Unfortunately we didn't process this out in the training and I was left feeling like I was the only one going through this! I had stockpiles of guilt, shame, anger, and rage all rising to the surface and It took me another year to feel safe enough (meaning the little me/ inner child within who was holding the tension) with my loving awareness that finally developed enough to be present with her.
Not easy. Definitely a warrior path. I'll describe more in posts to come but for now here's enough of a place to get started:
-Pain in your body is looking to be acknowledged, listened to, and witnessed without judgment
-Start where you are. When I was in the depths of my pain, I could literally do a forward fold and that's it because this made muscles feel like screaming and the fatigue from holding the tension was like a thousand bricks. (And in previous eras of my life I've worked out 4 times a week, done aerobics classes, lifted weights, done ashtanga yoga so you can see why the next point is so important...
-Take the ego/critical voice, comparisons, future tripping out of it as much as you can (gently and with patience, we're not going to do this perfectly...ever. ) I really had to let go of shame that was accompanying me when the critical voice would want to beat me up telling me there was something wrong with me and why couldn't I be like the other people in my training doing head stands or my friend who could get up at 5am, do spin, and then work until 8pm.
-I had to truly be there for this part of me. Recognize that this part had a reason for her deep pain and that this was a gift, though painful and hard to swallow, that it coming up meant it was ready to be healed.
-Not everyone (most) will not understand. Once I found a TMS doctor (Tension Myoneural Syndrome) who diagnosed me with myalgia, I was able to get the validation I needed when the medical system as well as the yoga system is entered had failed me.
-This isn't easy, it can get raw . I had muscles spasms in the middle of the night for the majority of the nights for probably about 3 weeks ( my legs in their freeze response were coming alive)
-There is a HUGE gift awaiting. My creativity has sky rocketed through the roof since doing this and I keep reeling the benefits. I could not foresee this and still am absorbing and processing this gift as well as working through more tension.
-Slowwww down. Try a restorative or yin class. If that's too much try feeling your body in the chair you are in. Maybe you are feeling gentle. Listen to your bod and drop the power and hot yoga and fast vinyasa flow for awhile. If you feel present and open then the more power to you! Do what feels good! But if you feel disconnected, and/or your moods are up and down, and/or you are experiencing boomerang tension (it always come back) despite the amount of exercise or intense practice you are doing, this is a whisper or maybe even a loud scream that presence to your body in this moment is what you need.
-Practice and progress not perfection! Slowing down 2 seconds longer than not slowing down at all will accumulate over and keep bringing you into more stillness.
-Ask for help! You don't have to do this alone. There are people who get it (like me) and if I'm not someone who you fully resonate with (though I hope you do:) I can point you in the direction of other resources so you don't have to suffer needlessly and can be HEARD.
Which is why I share this now in hopes that those of you reading understand that this process is a slow and tender one, can be extremely painful, is not often talked about, and contains the potential for deep healing and transformation if you stick with it.
Many courageous bows to you on your healing journey! Mwa
Gentle {Poem}
A gentle suggestion
A way to encourage mindful movement or intention in yoga or meditation or in choosing tasks for the day
A gentle surrender
To your higher power, your wisest self
A gentle reminder
Of truths you've heard but need reminding of
A gentle communication
Between the mind and body
body and body
Heart and mind
How all the parts of your self talk to eachother
A gentle question
An inquiry of who am I?
A gentle answer.