The Way out of Numbness into Feeling Alive!

I've been thinking a lot about how to bring more peace, joy and contentment into my life. Learning how to experience more fulfillment and connection to others too. 

These are helpful thoughts to have right? 

And I keep finding that connecting to myself FIRST is key.  Also, finding ways to express myself, because this confidence in self expression IS what makes me feel alive. 

This is not just creative expression, though that is super important for me! It is expressing my thoughts, feelings, desires...the good, the bad, the ugly. 

For trying to hold onto the good without walking through the pain leads us into Spiritual bypass land, another detour into numbness that can often feel ungrounded, flighty, and fleeting . 

For many, many years of my life I felt numb, disconnected and empty inside. Of course you wouldn't know it on the outside. I appeared to be high functioning, always with a smile on and successful. 

Yet something felt terribly wrong. Not just something, many things actually. And I was literally dying inside. Like a flower wilted from lack of water and sunlight. 

My joy was extinguished and what would appear like happiness would actually be excitement. This would send me on a roller coaster, crashing into disappointment, hopelessness, fear and shame when I would come down from that adrenaline. 

Maybe you can relate to some or even all of this? 

I didn't know what was "wrong" with me. I kept trying to figure it out. I kept trying to fix it on the outside. 

Little did I know I was being led to discovering what was ailing me, but it felt like it took forever!

I begun to find out there was actually nothing wrong with me. Everything happening inside of me and the lack of feeling was just because I had never expressed my feelings before. I had kept them stuffed down for years. 

And because of this my light had been snuffed out. 

Or atleast it appeared to be.

I believe and have experienced that our light is never truly gone. It is just covered by layers (or parts) that served to protect us through unhealed loss and intense emotions. 

What was I experiencing? It couldn't have come out of nowhere. And it didn't. But that's a story (many stories) for another time.

However, what I now know is twhat I was experiencing and what I still experience is Complicated PTSD. 

I will continue to share more about this as time goes on. Because I am finding that I must honor my Self, my story and my healing journey in all areas of my life. 

In addition, my main takeaway for today is that NO MATTER where you are at, what you are FEELING, and what you have been through, YOUR LIGHT is inside you right now. 

And with willingness, patience, and a small sliver of an opening to ask for help, you will find that light will keep shining brighter. 

It's not going to be easy despite the fact that the steps are simple.

Yet is is fully possible, 100% possible...to come alive.
To reignite yourself.
To unleash the fire and passion that makes you UNIQUE and who you are. 

If I can experience it, there is no doubt in my mind, that it is possible for you too. 

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Let Go of Worries Using a Homemade Prayer Jar

I wanted to share with you one of the ways that I have been changing my habitual tendency to choose fear and instead reprogram my thoughts towards love.

Recently, I started keeping a prayer jar on my altar.

Every time that I have feelings of peace and love for another I write their name on a small slip of paper and place it in the jar.

Any time I feel worried about another person, I write their name on a piece of paper and I place it in the jar,

If I have anger or irritation, or an expectation of someone, judgments…if I feel a wanting or neediness from someone, I place the name of that person on a slip of paper and I place it in the jar.

Each time I write down the name, I bless this person. I thank this person. I send them love. I send them light.

Or I may imagine them being surrounded by light.

Sometimes I put the same person’s name in there multiple times in a day. Sometimes I will put my own name in the jar.

Then in my meditation, I bless the entire jar, seeing it with light. I say a prayer for everyone I have placed in there. I hold the jar in my hands sometimes and really infuse it with love and light.

And can I tell you, it feels really good!

This is one practice that really helps me experientially feel the inner truth of giving and receiving being one and the same.

It feels wonderful to shift any feelings of fear that I have and turn them into love in this way. Quite honestly, completely natural, and it’s so simple.

Most of the time…

Sometimes I feel such a strong pull of fear and am being hijacked by feelings of separation. In those moments it feels more natural to choose fear. I feel myself resisting sending out light and love.

 Why would we resist doing something like this?

Old tapes. Learned ideas about the world that feel like they are serving a purpose but they are actually just limiting now. They feel real. And can sometimes feel like an insurmountable hurdle to get over. We have so many fears that we have accepted as true, that we don’t even realize how deeply we’ve bought in at times. And when we actually realize we are on this groove of fear and we attempt to switch up our thinking, the fear will lash out stronger at first which can make it feel even more difficult to switch off of it because its message gets so loud.

In behavioral psychology this is called a behavioral burst. When we try to switch up a behavior that is ingrained, i.e. in this case a thought pattern, the behavior and all of it’s emotions will peak, sending out a signal more intensely because it assumes that a louder signal will get the results that it “wants”.

Think of a dog who normally comes to the table for food and you give it some periodically, and then one day you stop. What will it do initially? Bark louder, try harder!

What we have to do is realize what it is that we TRULY WANT. In the moment it may feel that we WANT what pain and misery are telling us, but if we really look into the feeling we see that pain and misery are actually reminders that we are in need of what we REALLY WANT.

It’s kind of mind blowing when you really look at anxiety, anger, fear.

For instance, when it comes to this exercise and I am feeling fearful, anxious, or angry about someone or for someone, and I look closely at this emotion,  I realize I am actually experiencing LACK of love.

I am actually focusing on the lack of love that I have for someone in this moment, am believing at some level that they need to give me the love that I want, and I am BLAMING them for not giving it to me.

How can this be helpful to anyone?

My ego would like to convince me that expressing these forms of LACK will benefit someone. I have trained myself continuously for a very long time to “care” this way. To “protect” this way.

Yet this “way” causes me pain. It keeps me miserable. It leads to behaviors that can cause pain to others. And I feel separate from others.

 When I am anxious about someone..I am worried about their well being.

When I am anxious about myself..I am worried about my own well being, my peace, and my love being taken away. Or maybe I am worried that I won’t get any peace and love in the first place.

When I am angry, I am feeling like someone or something has done something to take away my peace and love. I judge myself as missing something and I judge and attack the other person for “doing” this to me. How does remaining in anger do anything to help this situation? How does attacking another person and myself further give me what I want?

Even if someone does something that really justifies this anger, how does my sending anger their way help them or me?

So I’m doing something different. When I am feeling LACK of love..instead I SEND love. I recognize that I cannot GET love from the outside. That there is NOTHING anyone can do on the outside to GIVE me that love anyways.

 I recognize that anyone else who is pain, anyone else who is experiencing anger, fear, anxiety, is operating from a LACK of love in that moment too.

I recognize that when we are all experiencing LACK of love it just means that we need MORE LOVE.

 I recognize that the LACK I am feeling is actually SPACE for LOVE to seep in from

 I then ALLOW it to come in.

I visualize the LOVE filling my body, like a beautiful light filled rain shower.

I feel it filling up my body, every cell and expanding outward.

I experience my heart expanding and my body softening.

There.

I am now filled with LOVE and the beautiful thing is once I AM filled there is PLENTY to SHARE.

I am FREE NOW to GIVE this LOVE.

And the other funny thing that happens next is, I start to RECEIVE MORE LOVE to myself just by GIVING.

Try it out and let me know how it goes for you;

Here are some of the new "rules" I live by:

The freedom to get things dirty.

The willingness to listen to what my body is telling me.

The acknowledgement that my true self knows best.

The radical idea that the answers I need are within me.

The magical perspective that everything happens in the right timing.

The surrendering practice of expressing, trusting and feeling as the gateway to connection and meaning.

The life-changing phenomenon that whatever is in me can be expressed creatively in front of me.

And so many more . . .

What To Do When You're Feeling Stuck In the Same Patterns

This rich and metaphorical poem is one of my favorites over the years. Take a peek and let me know what you think!

Autobiography in 5 Chapters, A Poem by Portia Nelson

Chapter One.

I walk down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It still takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two.

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place! But it isn’t my fault and it still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three.

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It’s a habit!My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four.

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five.

I walk down a different street.

---

There was an interesting commentary on Elephant Journal by Barbara Becker where she states that her Meditation Teacher explains to her that there is a Chapter 6. 

I find this to be really interesting because it has been almost 8 years since I originally read this poem.  

After my own personal journey and witnessing it among clients, this sixth chapter, according to Becker and her teacher, is that once we head down the new road, there is another hole, and we fall in again. 

I have to admit at first glance reading this I didn't really want to hear it. I mean, who wants to keep falling into holes? It's exhausting right? 

I want to get to the road where there are no holes. Where the streets are paved with gold like my Uncle would say. 

And yet, as I continue on my own path I keep seeing that yes, there are always some more holes. 

It doesn't mean I don't get better at climbing out .And I find that there happens to be a lot more time spent on certain roads now without the holes. 

But inevitably, there will be ups and downs. It's not about having those downs that means we have done something wrong. 

It's how can we be more compassionate to ourselves, more curious and get more information about what's happened and how we can apply it (gently) to what comes next. 

Image by Sherry Riter of www.theredheadriter.com

Do you want to fine tune your Inner Radar with crystal clear clarity for Love, Wealth + Freedom? My Free Start Up Guide Includes my 5 Star Process To Become the Intuitive Rockstar of your #5StarLife! This process transformed my life and is the foundation of everything I do in my life & biz! ⭐️🙌🏼👯‍♀️

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The New Rules I Live By...I'm Breaking the Old Ones!

Paint can bring me into the micromoments like no other. For over 15 years I've studied intuition and practiced mindfulness. My first introduction to mindfulness was in undergrad at Boston University when I took a Buddhism course. My first introduction to intuitive being was at another course there called Stalking the Wild Mind. For many years I applied and learned and experienced these practices in relation to my own healing journey and as my role as therapist. It wasn't until my paint awakening happened though that I realized that my true vessel for all of these teachings is in art making and painting. What a surprise and what a gift!!! 

Available 14”x18” Acrylic on Matboard. “Life is a Surreal Dream” 

Shop this painting and others here

Here are some of the new "rules" I live by:

The freedom to get things dirty.

The willingness to listen to what my body is telling me.

The acknowledgement that my true self knows best.

The radical idea that the answers I need are within me.

The magical perspective that everything happens in the right timing.

The surrendering practice of expressing, trusting and feeling as the gateway to connection and meaning.

The life-changing phenomenon that whatever is in me can be expressed creatively in front of me.

And so many more . . .

Do you want to fine tune your Inner Radar with crystal clear clarity for Love, Wealth + Freedom? My Free Start Up Guide Includes my 5 Star Process To Become the Intuitive Rockstar of your #5StarLife! This process transformed my life and is the foundation of everything I do in my life & biz! ⭐️🙌🏼👯‍♀️

Grab By Clicking on the Image Below!!

Feeling Too Attached to an Outcome? What You're Waiting for May Not Be What You Think

My inner child likes to play with all different mediums, like paint pens and natures paint brush.

Inspiration is everywhere. Following what catches my interest in the moment is a great way to play.

I also have to let go of being attached to the inspiration. Sometimes I start something and lose interest. Other times it just flows out of me. Not forcing things is a good rule of thumb for me: in art, in life, in heart.

It's a practice. It's a practice that shows up in the art.

For it is a reflection of my life, my psyche, the different parts of me.

There have been many, many, times I have held on so tightly and then judged myself for doing so. 

It wasn't until I had compassion for why I would've learned to hold on that tightly in the first place, that some of that tension started to ease up. 

Compassion was the answer. It's always the answer. 

Of course! 

That holding on tightly to fear actually is a survival instinct. It doesn't mean that I am bad or wrong. 

It's a paradox. 

Yet, one that makes sense. Not one of those paradoxes that are really polarized black and white stances in disguise. 

No, this paradox is filled with gentleness and softening. 

It is about staying curious. About watching. About gaining new information more and more each day. 

And it's the same with the painting process. Each painting is a little journey into itself. 

"Thai garden in the night" 13" x 16" ACRYLIC ON MATBOARD

If you are interested in learning more about the process of letting go, you might find my free course helpful. You can sign up here.

Release a Relationship

THRU EXPRESSIVE JOURNALING

This E-COURSE includes 7 simple practices combining:

*Journal Prompts

*Writing

*Art Practices

This is a gentle & supportive course that uses self expression, inner reflection and the connection between mind and body.

Do you want to fine tune your Inner Radar with crystal clear clarity for Love, Wealth + Freedom? My Free Start Up Guide Includes my 5 Star Process To Become the Intuitive Rockstar of your #5StarLife! This process transformed my life and is the foundation of everything I do in my life & biz! ⭐️🙌🏼👯‍♀️

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Guest Blog: Artist Paula Callejas "Painting a Diary of Emotions"

By Paula Callejas

This year was tough; it has been the hardest year of my life.  I´ve felt the deepest sadness, the most horrible void and I felt so lost…. And then someone said, “You paint right? Just paint”

And so I did. I didn´t study art, but I´ve painted all my life, enjoyed it all my life… I always regarded it as a hobby, as something extra I did… but I never thought about it as therapy; and I certainly never saw myself as a real artist.

Regardless, I followed the advice, and there I was painting midst my pain; and somehow I felt better. For some reason when I painted I was myself and everything took a brighter shade. I realized then that I wanted –no, needed- to paint every day, as much as I could.

So I grabbed a sketchbook, and had it next to me at all times, to write, to draw, to paint, to vent. At first I was a little blocked,so I started to follow simple prompts I found on instagram; little drawings…. And then I found the 100 day project. I saw it as a good way to commit to painting, to improve my skills, practice, get better.

It wasn’t a big risk, a daily  small watercolor painting,… but I did it and it felt great when I was done. I was on a roll and I had improved so much in so little time. It gave me a boost, and about three months later of painting and painting, in the month of September, I joined a challenge by Passion Color Joy in which we would create a piece of art continuously every day for the whole month.

In my case I decided to create paintings of women and connect them all by always having some flower present in the composition. (You can see them all under the hashtag #30girlswithflowers) This time I felt more confident specially because I felt different, I now feel my truth is that I am an artist; painting is my passion and if I want to be true to myself I have to pursue it.

So with this new found confidence I decided on a slightly bigger format and a different medium, I decided on more hours per piece per day; and this time I would show my work proudly.

by Paula Callejas

I found a local shop that agreed to hang my pictures daily as I pained them. It was so exciting to see them gradually fill the wall. And on the 30th day I stood in front of my project and was shocked. It was a diary… all of my emotions, all of my sadness, happiness, calmness, disdain or whatever was in their eyes. For everyone to see.

BY Paula Callejas

But I don’t care if my emotions are displayed. Now I feel proud and happy that I´m brave enough to display my pieces without having to “cure” my work , choosing my favorites or correcting my mistakes. And I feel whole and happy when someone connects to one of my pieces, appreciates the emotion and even more wants to take them home.

It´s crazy for me to admit that so much had to break, and that I needed so much pain to acknowledge my passion. To respect myself for who I am and what I love.

But it´s true: I don´t know if I would have ever pursued my passion if my life hadn´t crumbled before me; so I´m thankful for this really ugly year, and I´m really really thankful that I am an artist and I have my art to go to.

I´m thankful I get to put myself in a piece of art and that now I am brave enough to own it and show it to the world.

To find out more about Paula Callejas and see more of her work, you can find her on her website and Instagram. 

xoxo, Jen 

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