What is the true meaning of confidence?

There have been many times when I’ve heard the word confidence and cringed.

I also remember feeling insulted when a relationship coach years ago told me that we should work on my confidence.  

And yet, why did parts of myself give confidence such a bad wrap?  Why was I having these reactions?

Unpacking this, I realized part of this was because when I examined the word confidence, it drudged up all these past memories of when I felt insecure, less than and unconfident.

In particular, when I was a teenager and in my 20’s. (Yeah, you know what I’m talking about!)

Hearing and seeing the word confidence was like poking a finger into an open wound.  

Especially when I all I wanted was to feel better and have all the things it appeared that confident people had.

However, I learned repeatedly that it didn’t matter what I tried to fix on the outside or how much I tried to change my thinking, I always ended up feeling more ashamed of myself. 

Another reason demystified: I’d unknowingly glazed over the experience of confidence with the projections of cockiness, popularity and superficiality.

For someone who felt as insecure as I did, the word confidence felt like a cartoonish exaggeration because it was so far out of my comfort zone.

And an even deeper reason for the aversion to confidence was that it seemed like something I could “get” or “achieve” or “become”. 

Trying to get somewhere from a place of trying to get something always kicks up my shame even more because it reinforces the feeling of not being enough. 

So striving for the illusive confidence was just making me feel...more unconfident :/

It wasn’t until I recognized in my heart the true meaning of confidence after putting myself out there again and again in my business.

Not the meaning that younger parts of my childhood self had adopted.

Not the meaning media or magazines or commercials portrayed. 

No, true confidence in business (and in any area) is an internal state.

But more than that, it’s the place where everything that’s consistent, wise, clear and calm stems from within us. 

True confidence is connection to self.

True confidence means letting go of putting faith in something outside myself.

True confidence is already who I am.

I don’t need to do anything to become more confident. It is already my true nature.

To allow my true nature to shine through, all I need to do is remove the layers that are blocking that confidence.

Which means letting go of what’s not working.

The more that is stripped away, the more confidence naturally appears as my centered state.

.

I must surrender to the place within myself that is that authenticity.

Because true confidence is authenticity.

My doubt about confidence being my true nature...

My doubt that I won’t be led more deeply into this true nature...

My doubt that convinces me I need to find something outside of myself to be more confident...

is the only thing that is unclear about the real me.

Not my strengths and gifts.

Self doubt exists when I don’t trust me, the me that rests in truth.

Real confidence comes from consistently practicing letting go of any doubt that I can gain confidence anywhere outside of the real me.

This is why first and foremost I practice a spiritual foundation in my business.

Because when I try to do things the other way, things get nutty...fast. 

Comparisons become like fast growing weeds.

Fear of failure and rejection too. 

And what do you know, I’ve now psyched myself out and distracted myself from my calling when I take this path.

Not because I’m not good enough, but because I’m listening to the voices that are substituting their own answers with faulty programming.

Instead is the wise voice of the centered, confident, higher self. 

If you’d like support in deepening your connection to your inner confidence so you can step into your calling, check out my 4 week group coaching experience for women entrepreneurs ready to embody their true inner leader, click here!

The Secret I Learned About Burnout While Committing to Longterm Business Success

I never realized how important having an anchor in my business was until I spent enough time winging it.

Basing my business on passion, creativity, emotion + inspiration was actually keeping me stuck in a pattern of hustle-instant gratification-coast-bumpy road-panic-hustle {repeat}

The pattern above is a recipe for burnout. But the problem was, not the passion, creativity and inspiration {these are still some of the biggest ingredients there are for the reasons why I have a business and the message behind my brand).

It was my unconscious attachment to quick wins, adrenaline hits and struggle that would have me chasing shiny paper endlessly, leaving me with whiplash from leaping left to right, hungry for the next thing that was going to be the answer. 

I had no idea I was doing this. Caught in a cycle of constantly proving myself I was using the wins as evidence I could or had "made" it. 

I was taking the whole process of developing a business as proof of my worth and didn't realize that the struggles I was experiencing were normal for where I was at.

And also that there were solutions, completely independent of my worth that I couldn't see because I was too busy worrying/scheming/comparing.  

Of course, if you've been following my work for awhile, you know that whenever we focus on something outside of ourselves, or another way of looking at this is whenever a younger part of ourself is running the show, this "why" will never last.

It is fleeting, transient, and based on a past that happened already and a fantasy of a future that hasn't happened yet because it comes from a younger part developed through survival, not presence. 

The up and down, feast and famine, excitement-anxiety-burn out dynamic wasn't a result of there being something wrong with me or what I had to offer. 

It was the parts of myself that were continuously trying to protect me from being hurt so they would talk me out of getting visible, asking for help and trusting. 

What goes up must come down and adrenaline is no different. What was left of an upregulated nervous system...was the come down: the fatigued, depressed, side. 

After experiencing these ups and downs one too many times, I noticed that I couldn't remain complacent with it anymore. My awareness had finally caught up to the pattern and the witness within me could see it for what it was.

A smoke screen, keeping me from putting myself out there and also avoiding the difficult tasks required for any new learning curve. 

All those adult skills, grit, discernment, self trust, discipline, clarity where diamonds in the rough, just waiting to be mined.

When I finally got behind my why in my business, I was tapping into something much deeper. Something substantial.

To truly show up and create something that is long lasting, I needed to show up for the place within myself that is that deep.  

Not just to make a quick sale to pay a bill or even long term financial stability (though nothing shabby about either of these things!). 

Not just to accomplish something for the day, prove to myself I could do something, feel the adrenaline hit of a new tactic learned or distract and numb out from all the worry about making all these free business webinars I was signing up for (one example of how the frenzy keeps us chasing instead of taking authentic action). 

The why lies within the true self. 

Here are a few of my deepest whys:

To share wisdom.

To alleviate and end suffering. 

To protect children and keep them safe

To educate and bring awareness to the wounded adult population so that they can pass this wisdom down to the next generations. 

These are rooted deeply in who I am and the journey I have been through. 

Maybe they will evolve, yet they are like strong roots keeping me grounded when the next shiny thing comes along. 

With a why, I have a foundation for why I do what I do even when something gets difficult. 

It also aligns me with others who are likeminded and feel the same way. 

Which means, when I see opportunities for help, support, and collaboration I will be much more likely to intuitively take action with people who are the right fit for me which equals saving time, energy and usually that equates to money as well!

Give it a try. Instead of hungrily awaiting the next thing to come along that will satisfy that unsatiable yearn within, deepen into your own why and discover what it is you truly value. 

It can be simply, taking care of your family or creating art for the joy of it but look within and ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing. 

This is the first step in getting your business out into the world on solid ground where you are consciously driving what is in your control towards the life and business of your dreams. 

Curious to know how proving yourself mode may be showing up as energy leaks, missed opportunities and feast + famine cycles in your biz? Grab the Confident CEO Assessment for FREE here. 

xo, Jen

Be a Money BFF! Are you good friends with your money?

Do you have a codependent relationship with money?

Think about this a minute. 

If a good friend stopped by unexpectedly, how would you treat her?

If that same friend had to leave another time at short notice, how would you feel?

If a good friend had to cancel plans, change plans last minute, or was going through a hard time, how would you react?

(Keep in mind we are talking about healthy, balanced relationships where both people give & receive)

Let's talk about scenario 1. 

Your friend shows up unexpectedly, you are open & happy to see her. You invite her in, ask her if she needs anything & take it from there. 

Your friend has to unexpectedly leave. You enjoyed your time with her and could even see spending time longer, but you totally understand, she has something else she just has to do. You know you will see her & speak to her again soon, in the right time & the right place. 

Another day, your friend has to cancel plans. You are disappointed because you wanted to see her, but you can relate, you've had to do that once and awhile before too. You may other plans. 

Another time, your friend has to cancel last minute. You are hurt because you were really looking forward to the plans. You are disappointed because you miss your friend. So you share how you feel & your friend listens. She gets it, apologizes, & listens. You feel better & don't hold a grudge or a resentment.

Scenario 2

Your friend shows up unexpectedly, you are caught off guard because you weren't expecting her. You are happy she's there, but you are distracted because you were in the middle of doing something else. You expect her to understand this without telling her how you feel. 

Your friend has to unexpectedly leave. You feel hurt & abandoned & rejected. Why did she bother coming if she knew she had to leave so soon? Doesn't she know that you dropped everything to hang out with her and now she is just going to leave? 

Another day, your friend has to cancel plans. You stew in your mind about what type of friend she is & how you can't trust her. You build up future walls & how you are going to not make her as much of a priority in the future. You give her the cold shoulder the next time she calls and don't answer. 

Another time, your friend has to cancel last minute. You can't believe this happened again. What type of friend is this? You decide in your mind you are cutting off the friendship until she makes it up to you. You don't even know what this would look like but your emotions make you feel like this is right. 

Now reread the scenarios & this time, imagine that money is the friend we are talking about here? 

How is your money relationship similar or not to the above? 

How are you treating money? 

Is money like a good friend to you? 

Leave your thoughts in the comments & tell me..what is your relationship with money!!⭐️🙌🏼👯‍♀️

xoxo, 

Jen

Releasing Shame To Uncover Your Worth + Confidence

Your worth is already a given.

We each have always been on a level playing field on what we have been gifted within.

A child is born. A bright shining light. Only their joy and self expression and personalities to offer the world. 

For the longest time in my life I thought that the relationships people had, the way people looked, acted, and thought, as well as what they were wearing, the houses that they had, and basically everything I could see was based on worth.

As a child I grew up having enough to survive, yet instead of practicing gratitude as a family, the drum beat was the energy of not having enough. Lack. Scarcity. Fear. 

In particular, the contrast of living in a wealthy area where I would see the images of a mom and a dad, shiny new cars, outgoing personalities, vacations, and big family get togethers, beautiful, gigantic homes, and so much more of what looked "great" and "perfect".

When I looked at these outside circumstances surrounding me I saw that mine were different .

I lived in an apartment and shared a room with my brother. Our family had little money, my father was absent and didn't support us financially. I had a very small family, more broken relationships than I could ever count that festered into chronic loss, heard a lot of judgment and found myself in the middle of adult conflicts that I tried to solve because I couldn't bear the pain of it. 

I wondered what it was about ME that caused my life to go this way and for other people to have it so "good".

Add in the fact that young children go through the developmental stage of  thinking, "I am the center of the world" and all of these experiences accumulated into chronic inhibited grieving and perpetual trauma.

I was also an extremely sensitive, intuitive, and aware child....

And there you have it. The perfect storm was created!

I internalized EVERYTHING.

You could say I was a sponge for self-blame. You name it, anything that happened was my fault.

I lived tortured on a moment to moment basis, highly aware of these thoughts from a very young age...embarrassment, insecurity, fear, and believing it was all something I did...and not knowing what to do, how to relieve myself, and how to vocalize what I was going through..

I didn't know the way out. I wasn't meant to know it. I was just a child.  But I didn't know that.

I thought it was my worth.

I thought that there was something about me that was causing me to experience such deep pain all of the time.

A life of massive shame bombs felt like what I was destined for.

As time went on it only seemed to get worse. I would constantly be disappointed.

Each hurt would build up upon the other until a massive shame detonation, deep depression, took over for 15 years. 

I now understand that this was complicated PTSD. There was no name for it back then and therefore, I remained untreated.

Yet, despite this, there was always something inside that was nudging me forward and asking me to take another step.

Whispers of intuition, grace, wisdom, and a heart that yearned to be opened had me searching for answers to the pain.

All the while "there's something wrong with me. it's my fault" noisily blasted in my mind day in and day out.

It was a mental nightmare along with an incredible ability to keep functioning more consistently than not. Functioning was my way to dissociate and to continue having a high tolerance for discomfort, as well as a really strong resiliency.

There were many, many, moments and times that I felt like I was never going to get through. I tried and did what felt like failed. I felt abandoned by God, the Universe, every adult in my life, every family member. I felt punished when my cat died and like there was some evil force keeping me from having a loving relationship. 

I picked myself up off the floor over a thousand times and died another thousand. 

I thought it was me. I was unlucky. There had to be something terribly wrong with me. 

It wasn't until finally one of my next steps led me to the office doors of a talented therapist (someone who has been in recovery for the same pain) that I started to recognize that all of these excrutiating feelings were actually NOT signs that there was something wrong with me. 

Feelings were feelings and didn't mean anything about who I was. Feelings also were a direct result of me reacting to a situation.

I learned more about my situation as well. I learned that I was powerless over the circumstances I was born into. I learned that there are consequences of unhealed trauma and dysfunction and that no child could navigate those turbulent waters and deep black depths by herself. 

I learned that who I am is a gifted, brilliant, shining, happy and deeply feeling being who had to shut herself off because getting snuffed out by my surroundings were too many deaths to bear.

It took me 7 years to learn some things about this intellectually. (As well as pile an avalanche more of ungrieved griefs right on top of what felt like an already unsurmountable pile.

It took me almost 8 years to learn this over and over again emotionally. And I still am learning it today. My feelings are still scary but I am grateful that I can feel now. 

But I want to share that every little bit, every little shift, has taken me to where that I am now. I can't say that I have reached the point where I am grateful for the abandonment I experienced. I honestly don't feel like my inner child ever could. That's her loss to keep and I'm not taking it from her because it is a badge she bears. 

However, my adult self continuously learns over time that struggles can become lessons when I allow myself to ask for help and receive it. That rejections are just signs from the universe that something is not the right fit and isn't jiving, that material items don't represent inner value, that beauty and self acceptance comes from within, that loving relationships are created in direct relation to how much I love the hurting parts of myself...that self care triumphs over all..

I keep taking the shifts forward. Because there is no other way for me to go but up. When your bottom is at a very young age, there is nowhere else to go but up. Even though every step felt like that shaky stair was trying to kill me. 

I am not my shame. My shame was just a response to feeling like I couldn't be me. 

And with all the releasing and searching, what ends up being left underneath is my worth. 

Because I am worthy just for existing. And so are you. 

Your worth is a given. There isn't some "in" club like I always thought there was. The popular or the cool kids don't really exist. The perfect family with the white picket fence doesn't exist. The fairytale where only the princess gets the prince doesn't exist. You don't have to be a celebrity to be abundant. And you don't have to have things that other people have to be abundant. Though you can have those things if that is what you so choose.

It IS your birthright and it IS who you are to feel good, even when life hands you a crappy deck that's appears to missing all the aces, kings and queens. 

You ARE the Ace, King and Queen all rolled into one. 

And if you can't see it, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! It is the result of the circumstances you have been born into. It was never true and it never will be. 

Do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you can to continuously uncover your worth, the GOLD MINE that you are sitting on and you will have everything you have ever wanted.

Keep finding the next person to help you. Keep asking. Until you find someone who gets you. 

Listen to what excites you, what makes you feel good. If you don't know what makes you feel good, start talking about what doesn't. Forget the runor about not being negative. Let it out, don't hold it in. You will naturally feel better and start shifting to having more compassionate thoughts towards yourself. 

The message today is...go back inside and dust off that shiny diamond that is you!

There is Enough Time To Receive Exactly What You Need

When we allow life to be a process, we start to see that things that were hard at one point, get to be easy at another. 

Life isn't so black and white. 

It's not all or nothing. 

If something doesn't feel right today, we can wait for another day. 

Contrary to what some might say, there is time. 

There is time to listen to what's inside of you. 

There is time to listen to what you need. 

There is no rush or urgency that will lead you to peace. 

Yes, you can make a decision now to choose peace. 

Yet, peace will come when peace will come. 

It starts with allowing peace in now during the process. 

To let what is happening happen. 

That doesn't mean we don't practice discernment or have no boundaries. 

It means, we notice and observe and then make the choice from our True Self. 

xo, 

Jen

Knowing Your Why in Business is More Important Than Your How

Your why is the foundation of WHY you are doing what you are doing. In order to have a fulfilled life and a sustainable business we need to know the true reason and purpose behind our message. 

If we don't, then when bumps in the road come, frustration ensues, and we are exhausted or drained, we won't want to continue. 

Knowing our why keeps us connected to our Rebel Radar Self so that if we've had a hard or long day, we know we will wake up in the morning and our purpose will still be there. 

In addition, having our sole purpose as spiritual entrepeneurs to be focused on money will never fly in the end. Am I right? 

Money is energy, it's numbers, it's neutral. It's the icing and often ingredients for the cake but YOU are the warmth. You bring the love. You bring the connection. That's the difference!